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getting past social anxiety by sticking my face in a camera from time to time:
this time talking about change, personal, internal, external, life and beyond.



check out my instagram for tons of pics and videos from the event.
instagram - www.instagram.com/smarsapan/


getting past social anxiety by sticking my face in a camera from time to time:
this time talking about the series Atlanta, by Donald Glover

check it out, it's really good...
-THANKS FOR WATCHING! -

--- Smars Around the internets ---
twitch - www.twitch.tv/solomonmars
tapastic - tapastic.com/solomonmars
instagram - www.instagram.com/smarsapan/


to see abunch of photos and videos of my dragoncon 2016 adventure check out my instagram - www.instagram.com/smarsapan/
getting past social anxiety by sticking my face in a camera from time to time:
this time talking about creative exercises to fight artist block.
i hope this helps you in some way...



-THANKS FOR WATCHING! -
getting past social anxiety by sticking my face in a camera from time to time:
this time talking about art, depression and ways to combat it.
i hope this helps you in some way...


you can actually see the sun rise and change the lighting in my room this took so long to record and then edit down. XD
-THANKS FOR WATCHING! -


can we talk about how amazing this man is?! he and the staff of GF came together to create an amazing show that entertained and then engaged fans beyond just the episodes. and he's still doing it. the series has been over for nearly 6 months now and Alex pops up to let people know that the image of a Bill Cipher statue in the woods that we all saw at the end of the last episode, that most speculated might be in the real world actually IS! and the global scavenger hunt began. 
I'm personally thrilled by this because while Alex may be done with the show it means he's not done with US, the fans. it means he loves the universe he created as much as we do and wants it to live on as long as possible even if it's not in an animated capacity. he wants to continue to engage the fandom and stay in their hearts and minds and this will certainly lock a place in forever for most of us.

I'm on the subreddit with a bunch of other silly monkeys as well as tumblr but I don't  have the ability to race around the world, but I'm still enjoying watching this play out and seeing all the updates as stuff bounces around the LITERAL world and fans unite to find this statue.
a petition is going around that once it's found (if it hasn't been by the time I post this) that the finder(s) leave it there as a monument for all fans to come and visit and remember not only gravity falls but this little bit of extra love directly from the creator to us, the fans.

if you're confused as to what this all is about there's this article that can mostly catch you up. --> io9.gizmodo.com/gravity-falls-…

and then you can either dive into the reddit with me ---> www.reddit.com/r/gravityfalls/…

or the tumblr feeds--> www.tumblr.com/tagged/gravity-…

 and if maybe you've never seen GF (for shame) and want to see what all the hype is/was about...
ehm... you can go here ---> gravityfallstown.blogspot.com/…

it's not official, but honestly the show is over and none of the executives are looking at ratings any more.

i love ARGs and 
i love a good scavenger hunt!

this is genius.
GEE-NEE-UZZZZZ!

yes.
Prev by SolomonMars

WARNING: 100% HONEST POST AHEAD! FULL OF FEELS AND MAYBE DEPRESSING CRAP!

(the long and short of it, goblyn isn't making me happy, it's suffering as a result, it has to change, it is ending this year)

okay... now if you want to read all the other stuff, by all means continue with my dissertation.

feelings... they're great and they suck and then you think about it and then they suck because they're great and it means you're alive and can feel and should want to keep accumulating these wonderful little life experiences. happiness, sadness, confusion, fear, excitement, concern, compassion, love... we'll talk more about that later... for now...

I feel like I apologize for being late on these comics like once every few months like clockwork, but I'll be honest with you my life is in legit chaos. it could be worse sure and I'm glad it's as stable as it is and that there are people who have proven time and time again these past few months that they love and care about me and when I really think about it that's what I needed to know.

I suffer from anxiety big time, like typing this right now my heart is pounding in my chest and that makes no sense. right? idk...
so...
I'm still very unemployed after 6 months and things are getting pretty terrifying (financially) I'm afraid of not being able to pay the rent and ending up back at my moms. that creates more anxiety and I get insanely tired and all I can do is lay down on the floor (because I can't afford a bed!) and stare at the ceiling because if I close my eyes I think and if I think all the stress and anxiety comes back and then the sadness and then... well, you can imagine. but for the last nearly 2 months this has been the insane cycle I've been experiencing and it's been eating away at me to the point I can't focus AT ALL. (there was one little fleeting moment of absolute and blissful happiness in there. but it crashed and burned like I expected it to. and no one's to blame. just not all puzzle pieces fit next to each other, no matter how closely the patterns and colors and shapes seem to resemble each other.) am I the only one who grew up putting together 1000+ piece jigsaw puzzles with his mom & sisters? okay. hm.
 
anyhoo... DEPRESSION, I can usually power through it and get what needs to be done finished but I walked into an accidental storm of too many things all happening at once or just over lapping too perfectly & tragically. my brain can make my hand draw the comics, but my heart isn't in them. at least not Goblyn, not right now. I'm sad because honestly I don't want to have to work for someone else, I don't want to be away from my art, I love making art, I love telling stories, making comics, making stickers. all of it. it makes me supremely happy and and I've never had a job that made me feel the way making art does. I've never had a job that challenged me creative or otherwise, I've never had a job that inspires me to want to get up and go in to be a part of it, I've never had a job that made me anything more than stressed, anxious, and depressed. I've snuck (sneaked?) away to an emergency stairwell or a bathroom or the corner of a stockroom to sit by myself trying to talk myself down. curled up with my head on my knees. I don't want to go back there. I don't feel like I fit in that place, I never have. I always feel like I have everything and nothing at the same time. I feel content but restless because while I can afford to live life (even though affording is barely scraping by) I'm not happy with where I am or what I'm doing. it's not only NOT satisfying, it doesn't feel substantial. like I'm not actually contributing anything of value. not actually. just sort of living and barey doing that. I sometimes meet people at these places that make me feel like it's okay to be here that life's not so bad and that I'm not so broken and then I go and ruin friendships, and turn smiles into frowns and lose focus and get frustrated, because I'm an anxious, confused, depressed, mess who JUST WANTS TO DRAW FOR A LIVING, WORLD!

I just want to sit in my room and draw and then share it with people who maybe feel like I do in hopes that it can make them feel better, feel less broken, feel like they fit somewhere, feel like someone cares about them. just feel. I know I'm not alone in ANY of this and I know part of my anxiety I'm feeling right now is over posting this. 1. because it's a very small problem and there are bigger things going on in the world that require thought and action, over if I get to draw comics and make stickers all day. 2. I feel like it's not good to put all this out into the world, this negative energy. not to put it on you inadvertently just by you reading this, you're taking on my problems and that's not cool of me. you have your own stuff to deal with I'm sure, but I know I shouldn't try to internalize all of this. i shouldn't keep it locked inside that would only make me crazy(er) heh.

I can write. curiously enough, my brain still works in those regards, I can write and I've been writing A LOT but drawing hasn't felt like it used to. it's been steadily growing more and more sour as the months have plodded along and I've either scraped together what I can for money and food or borrowed with high levels of guilt from family. but Goblyn just hasn't been satisfying for me this chapter and many of the ones before it. I know I need to get through it but all the other stuff is there sitting with me when I put the pencil to paper and I'm just sitting there after an hour only having drawn a few lines, I go lay down and think somethings wrong. but I know what it is, the impending doom... the fear of going back to a place I don't like, I don't want to be at, I don't care about and don't understand. for what? money? why? i don't really care about money. I know I'm supposed to because (hey, buy more things right? you need things, they make you feel good, right?) but they don't, only art does. only art makes me feel good. no that's not true. there are a few other things that do (did) one thing especially, but life is... weird and can make you think it's going great when just under the tranquil top layer it looks like the surface of the SUN. I know there was a lot to get from these last 6 months experience, i grew, i learned, I did a lot of introspection and extrospection. I've never been a quitter, it's not the way i'm made. which is weird, because I've been getting crapped on my whole life, you would think I would've given up by now and clocked out via the big "S" (and believe me that stupid thought creeps in every now and then like a wicked sniveling little whispering voice.) even last night sadly. which is why I'm posting this. I needed to just talk/type/exorcise my....deamons? ew. element eaters... sorry.

I feel legitimately lost. hitting 30 felt like nothing until I realized it was THIRTY. now im in and while I definitely didn't waste my 20's I feel like it didn't pan out the way I wanted it to. certainly not the way I expected it to. but nothing did. life, love, ... no really those two things. that's all I ever thought about both in and out of the context of art. is that sad? heh. I guess the art thing didn't go so bad, I love where my art is now. me in my 20s would be over the moon looking at the work me in my 30s is doing. but I feel like he'd be sad to see I'm still existing basically in the same state of emergency as then. Still working jobs wanting a career in art but not knowing how to get there. how to make it happen. knowing it doesn't just happen you make it so. that you can't just sit by and life will magically reward you for enduring all it's chaos. no. you have to step out into it, wade through it to get to the other shore. yes. but what do you do when you're terrified? what do you do when you're so scared to get hurt that you hide away? what do you do when you're an introverted, spazzy, geeky, messy human being, who hesitates constantly to the point it might as well be procrastination and makes maybe too many bad decisions or maybe just doesn't strategize well, and follows their heart maybe a little too often because stories told me that's what you should do? being so broken that I can't actually operate around people in a professional enough capacity for them to want to hire me to be in a studio to the point I'm certain that I'm unconsciously actually sabotaging myself because I have no faith in my ability to not confuse, alarm and turn off people with my weirdness and atypical manner of existing? idk... 

what do you do when you think you understand the reason why you are the way you are and why you're so hesitant in life, why you're even alive and then life sort of keeps blocking you from seeing the awesome view that everyone keeps talking about. the veiew you thought you were finally going to see... clearly not everyone is talking about it or we'd all be happy and the world would be... not perfect, definitely not perfect. not bad, but very, very weird. I don't think it's in us to be 100% happy. being alive as a human is this beautiful, wonderful, experience that I imagine no other creature or living thing on Earth experiences. and I know how odd and alien that last sentence sounded, but I mean it, being human is so specific and unique. we exist so far outside of every other animal on the planet while still only being animals ourselves. I'm not saying anything new, just saying it because it shouldn't stay locked up in my head and Ami (who is MY avatar, not Jeph in Goblyn) can't say these things right now because I can't seem to draw much in the way of comics. I CAN, still draw, and it's been a lot of fanart. like a flood of pint up stuff just exploded from my brain. it's slowing down now I've noticed and that makes me sad because I was really happy when it first started happening. I'm not good at fanart. I've always felt like I was doing a disservice to the original creators by drawing their stuff in my weird little style. I'm not sure why that is, considering how much I love seeing fan art of my own stuff made by other people in their styles. why wouldn't other creators feel the same?

gah. if you read this far, I'm sorry you had to wade through the thick swamp that is my messed up brain but know I'll keep making comics. slowly at first, but eventually I'll get back to feeling good about them and telling stories in general. I don't know if maybe having a job I'm not happy with would be a good thing because it would be just enough of a distraction to keep me from being REALLY sad and then it would inspire me just enough to work harder to get the heck away from that place and be a full time artist. But i feel like that's what I've been doing my whole life up to this point? I tried not to do it alone, because I know we survive better in packs. we just do. artists. we're hardwired to be isolationists but are so dang needy and clingy and never want to actually be alone. haha but it's hard to convince groups of artists that they need to work together to survive and it's even harder to keep it together once you convinced them (in my experience) I've been doing so much of this work alone, because of those same things happening over and over. I can inspire people, light a fire in them, but I can't maintain it. like an old train where you're plunging coal into the fire to keep the engine going and keep the train racing down the tracks. I just never have enough strength to keep their fire going AND mine at the same time. maybe I've been going about it all wrong? maybe we all have to stoke each others fire (does that sound weird to you too?) sorry. 
but I mean it. I want to be a part of or maybe even create a group of artists (comics, animation, writers, sculptors whatever) that work with one another and inspire on another. ACTUALLY. meeting, sharing, inspiring, encouraging, one another. a peer group that helps motivate and keeps one another from falling too low. reminds them that they matter, that they contribute with every breath of life they exhale with every second they exist. that has to be a thing already right? why am I not a part of it? why aren't most of us if not ALL?


I ultimately think my issues with Goblyn come from the strange relationship I've had with it in contrast to my art in general, my time at art school learning animation and then my life after graduation where I was unemployed and sleeping on my mom's living room floor. (I sleep on a lot of floors, I never have a bed. I need to work on that.) I have an unhealthy relationship with Goblyn which is why for a good while I've been slowly bringing it to a stop. If you actually read the series I'm sure you've been able to tell it's been going in a direction that seems like it's coming to some sort of end. and it is. eventually. this year. it has to. I just wanted it to be a bit more graceful I guess, but I don't plan in life because life always has had a way of doing things a million different ways than i can prepare for. heh
but I did think it would be different. better. the whole thing. it felt like it should have been. and maybe it will be. maybe. we'll see.
sorry for this long train of thought. I just haven't been sleeping well lately and have been wanting to just disappear from the world lately. my anchor is art because I'm so in love with it, so I can never abandon it no matter how frustrated I get with my life and this world and the two not working well with one another.
okay... sorry to put all this weight out there. you don't need to carry any of my awkwardly shaped baggage, you probably have your own. but maybe we can all keep each other company while we walk through life and that will at least lighten the load in our minds a bit, yeah?
yeah.

-Smarsssssss


compilation video of footage and pics from my time @ MoMoCon along with my thoughts on the experience.

music/remixes by: LazyBucks
@ www.youtube.com/user/LazyBucks…


halp me pay rent and keep making full color comics
all it takes is $1 a month.

www.patreon.com/smars
day 110 of financial instability...
been having a reoccurring bad dream.
got tired of thinking bout it and decided to talk about it.
because it bothers the crap outta' me



my intentions not to bum you out with this/these videos
but to let you know whats going on behind the scenes roughly day to day while making comics
since showing you the actual comics would be filled with spoilers and stuff.


I need to take a brief 2 week hiatus from making Goblyn,
so that I can finish the next batch of thumbnails for the end of the current arc.

I want to make sure I give you the best possible experience I can
so I don't want to just crank out stuff week to week with little preparation.

I hope you'll understand and continue to read the series when it returns.

So, Dark Souls 3 is well on it's way and lots of people are excited, but for a lot of other people this is going to be their first Souls game and while there aren't a lot of them, they are very... story dense and convoluted.
in a good way.

So, if you're planning on jumping into the Souls series with 3 (and from what I hear that's a thing that can be easily done) but you want to be able to get all the wonderful meta references, this is the channel to watch. VaatiVidya
they're well produced and only getting better with each new video, Vaati creates an excellent atmosphere and rarely breaks the haunting tone he works through. 



He covers Demon's Souls, Dark Souls 1 & 2 plus all DLC and even Bloodborne. (i personally find that one the most haunting)
its not a definitive guide to the Souls series, he's just gathering all the information he can from reading item descriptions and listening to all the dialog over multiple play-throughs and compiling that into a coherent story. it's super comprehensive in terms of the in game history of events, but also gathering and revealing the hundreds of secrets and hidden meanings in every nook and cranny. The best part is, there are still things from the previous souls games that still haven't been uncovered and are only recently being discovered and talked about.



Here are the playlist links (since dA won't let you post YT playlists only single videos)

Demon's Souls
Dark Souls -
Dark Souls 2 -
Bloodborne -

if you go through his remaining playlists he has a few extra fun videos and secrets of the game videos

show him some love on his channel VattiVidya
and if you like his stuff support him on his patreon so he can keep making these awesome videos.


let me know if you like his work or if you have your own Lore series you follow let me know that too.
I love this kind of stuff.


speedart video of the March super thanktacular wallpaper
made possible thanks to the awesomest folks who support my patreon.

this month: Izuku Midoriya aka Deku
from My Hero Academia
finished art @ www.patreon.com/posts/4900784

music: Not Another Full Metal Squad! by: BONKERS
get it @ ocremix.org/remix/OCR02597

from an article @ Cartoon Brew
you can download the OpenToonz animation software @ github.io
my roommate linked me to a series of analytical videos by YouTuber Digibro covering the topic of Neon Genesis Evangelion.
it's really good, with tons of detailed and well thought out observations about all sorts of elements within the series, what they say about the series, it's characters and even the creators. 
you can watch the whole series so far at this link here ---> Evangelion Analysis since dA won't let me embed the playlist link.
but the video down below will give you a taste of what's in store for you through the entire series he's working on.



let me know what you think.

Shinji Blushing Emoticon GIF Shinji Screaming Emoticon GIF  Shinji Blushing Emoticon GIF Shinji Screaming Emoticon GIF Shinji Blushing Emoticon GIF Shinji Screaming Emoticon GIF Shinji Blushing Emoticon GIF Shinji Screaming Emoticon GIF Shinji Blushing Emoticon GIF Shinji Screaming Emoticon GIF 
I'm slightly over my camera shyness and answering a few questions about Goblyn I've received over time.
if you have any questions, you can totally send them to goblyncomics@gmail.com

I really like the mini series Blue Blazes (Aoi Honoo)
it's a really ridiculously, fun, show about an artist going to college trying to find his path as an artist.
it's loosely based on the life of the author when he grew up in the 80's around a bunch of very notable and amazing manga and anime artists/creators like Hideaki AnnoHiroyuki Yamaga, & Toshio Okada to name just a few.
anyhoo, I really like the opening song. like... A LOT.


(this is a special version of the intro w/ all the visual references. so cool.)

I've been searching for it for a year, because it seems like hardly anyone watched this min series or reads the manga and even less people know of the musicians who did the intro music.
seriously, my anxiety level was through the roof trying to find this song because it's not on the series' OST.
BUT I FOUND IT! YAAAAAAAS!
my life is complete. 



oh. and if you've never heard of this series and want a peek at what kind of fun you would be in for, here's when the main character meets Anno for the first time.



hope you liked it.
hee hee.
  • Listening to: hello from the magic tavern
  • Reading: Seveneves
  • Watching: Broad City, Venture Bros. se6
  • Playing: nothing atm
  • Eating: peas w/ carrot, sriracha, hummus
  • Drinking: spice tea w/ vanilla almond milk
hooray! 

I just completed the last page of rough sketch pages for chapter 58 of Goblyn. 

I realised with this chapter I had reached a point lately where I wasn't putting a lot of detail into the pages and I really needed to fix that.

it's hard to properly convey a world if you're not... well properly conveying a world. heh.


okay... now it's on to clean up "inking"


more updates super soon! 

trying out the dA app on my tablet to see how journals work w/ text and pics.  
embedded_item1452136265722 by SolomonMars


I just pulled the last line on Eustro chapter 11, the sketch work is aaaaall done, now it's on to the "inks" and color.
I wanted this to come out before the end of the year, but realistically I can see this coming out around January 1st or 2nd.

I had a really good idea for this chapter but I think I'm going to save it for chapter 12, depending on how people vote. hee hee.

I actually need to do a test or two to make sure it will work without messing up the .swf file format i use.

I'm also slowly working towards moving away from the .swf format.
it does mean a lot of things will change in the future about the immediacy by which these comics can be received and read, but meh... life changes and goes on. hopefully in a positive progressive nature. sitting in place and doing one thing your whole artistic life isn't healthy.

I'll explain all that in the coming year. yay!
in the mean time, I've also attached a little screen cap of several images from multiple pages of this chapter, completely out of context!

enjoooooy!

  • Listening to: lasertime podcasts & retronauts
  • Reading: books about stuuuuuff
  • Watching: unbreakable kimmy shmidt & jessica jones
  • Playing: ...
  • Eating: leftovers
  • Drinking: water
...of stickerpunch.com
I've decided to close up shop at the sticker & postcard store I had set up.
no body ever bought anything from there, and not even people who bought stickers and postcards at my table at conventions.
I'm not sure why? maybe it's just less fun to buy them online than when standing in front of a table where they can hold them in their hand before buying them?



I have no clue if there was an actual disconnect or if no one really cared.
hard to say.

all I do know is, it costs me 20 bucks a month to maintain and I don't have 20 to spare.
my hope was that I could balance it out with monthly sales paying for the bigcartel hosting
buuuuut... that didn't happen.
at all.

I made one sale in two years. that's just sad.
thanks Nick. you're the best.

I even made the prices low enough that I thought they would be appealing.
maybe people thought the prices were reflective of the quality?
but not everything that's expensive is high or good quality.

oh well...


I'm not sure really why I posted this? maybe just in case someone asks where the site went in the future, I can point them to this post? I'm not sure who would ask though. no one literally cared that it existed.
just one of my many failures in these past few years.
meh.
  • Listening to: ...
  • Reading: ...
  • Watching: ...
  • Playing: ...
  • Eating: ...
  • Drinking: ...